10 Things NOT to do When Submitting

In the past, I’ve used this blog and my Myspace blog simultaneously. From now on, I will post about my writing and editing related things here and my family and personal drama here. Of course, I hope that most readers will continue to read both. But there are those who only care about the writing and editing side of things and those who love to laugh at all those dysfunctional people who seem hook themselves to me as if I had the only working life jacket on the Titanic.

Previously, I wrote about The Ten Things NOT to do at a Funeral. It was a little funny, a little pathetic and down right comical for those of us who were there. (Guess I should have mentioned that it’s a bad idea to sit on the front row and laugh at the idiots around you.)

With that in mind, I think a similar post about the “10 Things NOT to do When Submitting” will be a fitting start for my new blog direction. (yes, I know there are more than 10, but most of it had to be said.)

First a little bit about myself. I’ve been writing for several years, and I’ve been published many times. Now, I’m editing the anthology, The Red Light District. I’ve had a few emails with questions and I’ve gotten some, shall we say, interesting submissions so far. So, I think that this is a good time to address several things:

No bees coming from dead bodies for NO apparent reason. This includes flies, ants, roaches or any other insects. And if the suspect screams his guilt due to the sight (or attack) of these bugs, it is NOT a bonus point.

Please no more stories of transplant recipients where the dead donors come back for their missing body parts.

Serial killers—and, no, we will not be surprised if after setting up the story for the hooker to buy it in the end the “tables are suddenly turned” and she becomes the killer—vampire—werewolf—or any other monster.

I can’t tell you how many times Satan has made an actual appearance in stories. This is funny, but NOT in the way you meant.

Do not send us cover letters over 1000 words (especially if your story is only 2000 words), or 500 words or 200 words.

When we said “do not give us a synopsis of the story” we actually meant it.

Bad hooker/john/cop dialogue.

“quotation marks” are your friend.

So are commas.

Bad speech tags are NOT.

Yes, hookers are mandatory. Hookers. Street walkers. Call girls. Prostitutes.

And, despite recent post otherwise, you should probably NOT refer to me as your “chocolate muse.” That will be an instant rejection, as it will be for this particular writer. And, yes, I’m being mostly facetious.

If anyone has any questions, I’ll be more than happy to answer them. Send them to chesya@comcast.net. And if you’d like to know about my night at the Dirty Awards, go here.

10 things NOT to do at a funeral

Well I attended my sister’s funeral a few weeks ago. And in classic Chesya style, I found enough humor in it to write about. (But let me say, that this is not anything my family would ever do. No siree—not MY family.) So, with no further ado, I have for you the 10 things NOT to do at a funeral.

10. Don’t weight three hundred and fifty pounds, wear a five foot wide, three feet tall hat and push your way to the front of the line so that you can sit on the front row and be seen.

9. You haven’t been to a proper funeral until someone falls out—especially when cameras are around. So don't dive out of your seats and roll around just for the fun of it.

8. Don’t sit around talking about who will be the next to die—or better yet, who SHOULD be the next to die.

7. Don’t tell one of the four remaining sibling “you shole is a pretty nigga”—especially if it’s simply because she’s three shades lighter than the others.

6. When someone has been selected to do a solo, it’s NOT your queue for your American Idol audition.

5. During the wake, when people are allowed to speak, and they say, “I wish it was me.” The proper response is not, “We do too.”

4. Don’t write a speech for the news cameras, on a napkin, in the limo, on the way to the funeral.

3. Don’t fall asleep—especially if you’re sitting on the front row wearing a wide rim, five foot tall, three foot wide, hat.

2. Don’t bring your brand new girlfriend who keep staring at the monitors just to see herself on the big screen. And don’t let her point and say, “Look, Star, we on TV.”

And the number one thing NOT to do at a funeral:

When the minister ask all the young people to stand if they want to follow in the foot steps of the dead person, because they are mighty big shoes to fill, DON’T look at the dead girl’s twin and say, “See how many people aren’t going to hell because of your sister.”

I’m just sayin’.