NOT KIDDING!

So, the electric bill is almost a thousand dollars too. I’ve decided to forgo any more drama, and just shoot myself in the head. Then I think, no, this is my husband’s fault for letting me marry into this family, and I decide, “Hey, I’ve got a .22 and a shovel, why not?” What do you think? Should I?

Hopeless was let out of jail, and everyone was awaiting her call so that we could pick her up. The girls were at my home for the weekend, and we all waited patiently by the phone hoping for the call from her. Every time the phone rang, they’d jump and run to it. I’d answer and it wouldn’t be her. Then finally she called. I nodded to the girls that it was their mother (calling collect—but I didn’t even care—she was getting out), then I noticed that the operator said Atlanta.

What?

As it turns out, Hopeless was released from our county jail, but was immediately transferred to Atlanta, where she had a warrant for her arrest for stabbing Fool in the back. Not kidding!

I had to tell the kids that their mother would not be coming home to them. That didn’t go over so well. I would have rather stabbed myself in the eye with a spoon, than tell them that their mother was not only still in jail, but she was now further away then she had been an hour ago.

Not funny.

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So, Mrs. Debra decided to pay the electric bill. I suppose the kids can go without food, or water, but the lights, uh uh, no way. That’s an abomination.

Where does she get the money, you ask?

Well, let me tell you about another little scam.

It seems that if your child is deemed crazy, then you can get all kinds of money for it. Not kidding. Schizophrenia, ADD, breaking bottles over your siblings heads…that all counts.

So, Hopeless keeps having these children, and then has them declared mentally ill, and racks up the dough. Just like the food stamps, they give you this neat, little debt card with all kinds of money on it. Guess, they don’t want people to be embarrassed by cashing a check or having food stamps. And the card is welcome in thousands of locations around the world. Un huh.

So, just as we get that problem solved—the lights will remain on—another one comes up... Isn’t that always how it happens?

Fool decides all of a sudden that he’s been wronged—has he ever been right?—and breaks into the house while we’re giving HIS kids a bath. Never guess what he wants. Come on. Guess.

Okay, we’re gonna make this a game—someone might as well get something out of it. The person who guesses correctly what Fool steals out of that house, gets a copy of Dark Dreams, with features stories by yours truly, Zane , Tananarive Due , L.A. Banks and many more. Send your entries to me at chesyaburke@chesyaburke.com

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Remember everyone, keep sending in those “How Screwed Up Is Your Family” stories. I’ll post them. If you like, you can remain anonymous, while still getting things off your chest. Let me know that I’m not alone.