How Screwed Up Is Your Family: IV

I’m beginning to think that families are all the same, everywhere. Nuts. They screw you up and then let you loose on the world. It’s inevitable; families love you…to death.

This one’s from Crystal:


I have sister-cousins. Does that count as screwed up?

I can never answer the question "How many brothers and sisters do you have" without feeling like I'm dumping baggage. "Well, I have three older half-brothers whom I didn't grow up with because they were a product of my father's first marriage. I have one older sister who is autistic, one younger half-brother from my mother's second marriage, two ex-step-sister-cousins because when my father left my mother he ran off with his dead brother's widow and her two daughters, which was his third marriage, and then I have two step-sisters which are from his fourth marriage. ...beyond that, we're not really sure."

But we don't really have any terribly good stories, aside from the ones from my brother Wil's wedding, which included his crazy mother flirting with my father (who divorced her almost thirty years ago) in front of my current step-mother. And then there was of course the story that SHE (my brothers' mother) told me when I was fourteen about finding my Dad and Mom in bed together while he was still married to HER (which, oddly, I don't actually believe... I mean, the woman IS crazy. And I don't think my Mom would pull something like that. She's better than that. No words for my Dad though...), and then pulling out pictures of a man she thinks might have been my oldest brother's father.

She's not really sure, but since she couldn't find the other guy she settled for a shot-gun wedding (literally--her father actually brought a shotgun to the wedding) to my father. Sometimes my 80 year old grandma tells us stories about the effect of gravity on her boobs. That's a big hit at family reunions. And she pretends to forget people's names so that she doesn't have to talk to them. She always remembers mine though! =) I like my grandma.

And that's all just on my Dad's side. There's more redneck fun on my Mom's side.

And we can't wait to hear it, Crystal.